


ad movere

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Moving On, Post-Canon, Post-Finale, Sort of happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 04:47:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19041418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: it's almost been two years and she still wasn't over it





	ad movere

Zoe kept the letters in a box under her bed. She told Evan it was because Connor had never said anything nice about her to her face and she wanted to keep the proof he cared close by in case she ever forgot and even after finding out the trust, that Connor never really cared, she still kept them because a part of her wanted to believe in the story Evan created. Sometimes, late at night long after her parents had gone to sleep, she would pull the box out and read through them. It’s so easy to see through the lie. The writing was so obviously Evan that it made her heart hurt. Connor didn’t care, not like Evan did, and she didn’t know which was worse. 

She graduated high school and spent a week sitting on her bed and staring at the wall separating her room from Connor’s. They never went through his room. Every time they tried someone would break down and they’d all leave. Connor died nearly two years ago, and his room looked like he was there yesterday. 

Zoe stood up and stretched. She was supposed to start packing for school. She felt weird leaving her parents behind but they were doing so much better than they had been just three years ago and she knew they’d be alright without her but would she be alright without them? For the longer time she used to dream of this, running off to school and never looking back at the house she left behind, but then Connor and suddenly she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving. Would someone recognize her from the Connor Project? Would they ask about Evan and other things she still wasn’t ready to face? 

She left her room and stood in the hallway. Neither of her parents were home, dad at work and mom having joined a new yoga class. They left her with boxes to start going through her things and in the two hours they had been gone she only succeeded in reading over the letters and other notes from Evan she hadn’t brought herself to throw away. She reasoned that they were important and someday she’ll look back and want to remember the Connor Project and certainly not that she missed Evan. 

Connor’s door was cracked open. Zoe always made sure to shut it before bed which meant one of her parents had gone poking around in there again. She didn’t like to think of either of her parents crying over Connor’s things but knew better than to assume that didn’t happen when she wasn’t around to hear. Zoe stepped down the hall and slowly pushed the door open. She was still hesitant to go in, still scared that Connor was inside ready to yell and pick apart everything about her because that’s the Connor she knew but was the Connor she knew even real?

It was easy to pretend Connor wasn’t gone when she stood in his room. She closed her eyes and could see Connor sitting on his bed scribbling away in his sketchbook with music playing three notches too loud. Connor smiled at her and asked what she was doing. 

Zoe opened her eyes. That wasn’t Connor, not her Connor. Her Connor was mean, he liked to yell and didn’t care about Zoe or the indigo streaks she put in her hair. She didn’t know the real Connor, none of them did. But Evan was trying to. What did he say? Ten books. Ten of Connor’s favorite books. It wasn’t the same as understanding the brother who left but it was a start. Connor’s bookshelf was behind his bed, if he still had them, which she doubted he did, they would be there. 

Zoe crawled onto his bed and ignored the memories of the two of them having sleepovers when they were young and everyone was okay to look at the different books lining the shelves. She couldn’t recognize half the titles. Some were in different languages. Zoe couldn’t remember Connor even learning French but the two of them had spent the last eight years a million worlds apart. Connor could have moved to France and she would have never noticed. Other books had obscure titles and were written by people she had never of. Connor used to love reading but Zoe couldn’t remember ever seeing him with a book after high school began. 

The Little Prince, that was on the list. Evan told her about it, said it was the first one he read. Zoe pulled the book down from the shelf. She sat down on the bed and opened to the first page. It was covered in writing. Lines were highlighted and little notes written next to them. Zoe remembered watching Connor read. He’d never sit down and just read, he was always marking in his book, writing down questions and his thoughts about the characters. The notes were so very...Connor. Her brother, not the monster he became. It wasn’t fair. There were billions of people in the world and this happened to them. Connor had to be broken, their family had to fall apart, Zoe had to be caught in the middle. It wasn’t fair. 

_Is this really relevant?_  
Eh.  
Not my favorite.  
Zoe would like this line. 

She dropped the book. “Zoe would like this line,” repeated itself in her head. “Zoe would like this line. Zoe would like this line. Zoe would like this line.” Zoe did like this line but she also hated it. How dare Connor write about her. How dare he think about her. How dare he seem like the Connor Evan created. Her Connor was not Evan’s Connor. They weren’t even close yet she wished they were. She still wished Connor and Evan were friends, that they weren’t alone and had someone to talk to. 

She looked at the shelf. Zoe couldn’t even remember the other books on Connor’s list. Was Hamlet on it or was Hamlet just a book he enjoyed in his spare time? Did Connor like Game of Thrones enough to make it a favorite or was it just a likable novel? She liked book after book on the bed next to her. They all meant something to her brother because he kept them, therefore she would read them. She’d read Harry Potter and The Host and Of Mice and Men. 

Connor’s sketchbook was lying on the shelf. Zoe stared at it. It was weird seeing it. Connor had been gone for almost two years but she still couldn’t imagine his sketchbook without him. He never let it leave his side. She reached forward and grabbed. Connor didn’t jump from the corner and yell at her because he was dead. Zoe opened the sketchbook. 

_the one who gets forgotten by c.e.m._

_in a family of four_  
_theres the one who’s forgotten_  
_the one left alone on the shore_  
_when the rest are in a sea_  
_the one drowning in sorrow_  
_and trying to float_  
_the one with no vote_  
_no favor or fair_  
_the one who’s forgotten and will go nowhere_ <   
_in a family of four when there’s meant to be three_ <   
_theres one who’s locked in and another who’s free_ <   
_in a family of four you’re forgotten again_ <

____

She stared at the words, unable to believe it. Connor wrote poetry? It was so unlike him, unlike her version of him, which wasn’t the real him. They all had their own idea of who he was but none of them were right. This was Connor. This was the only place he felt safe enough to be himself. She turned the page. It was a drawing of their family, Zoe, mom, and dad front and center while Connor himself was in the background. He was the only one without a smile. Every page there was another poem or another drawing. Their family, nature, people at school. There was an entire page dedicated to Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck. Connor wrote nice things about them, what his favorite Jared shirt was or his favorite Alana Beck quote. 

____

And then there was the Evan Hansen page. _**LONELY.**_ Was written across the top. There was a drawing of Evan sitting in a tree and staring at the sky. 

____

_would he understand?_

____

And Zoe knew he would. 

____

\---

____

Evan agreed to meet her again at the orchard. Zoe got there early and sat beside one of the growing trees. She reread the poems and studied the images until she heard Evan clearing his throat above her. He looked just as tired as last time but less anxious. 

____

“Hey,” he said. 

____

“Hi. It’s nice to see you.” 

____

“You too. I uh, kinda thought you wouldn’t want to see me again after last time.” 

____

“How come?” she asked. Evan wasn’t looking at her. He stared out into the field of trees. “I don’t hate you,” Zoe said when Evan didn’t respond. “I never did, even when I thought I should. Mom and dad don’t either.” 

____

“Why?” 

____

“I don’t know. It’s weird cause like, I know what you did was awful but in a way it’s what we needed. I don’t recommend trying that on anyone else. I doubt others are as forgiving as us but after what happened with Connor we don’t deserve to not be handing out second chances.” Zoe thought about the book in her bag. She didn’t know if Evan would even care but he was trying to know the real Connor and this seemed like the closest he’d get. “I um, have something if you wanna borrow it.” 

____

“Oh?” 

____

“I was trying to find Connor’s books. I figured since he had a top ten he probably stashed them away somewhere and well,” Zoe pulled the sketchbook from her bag and held it out to Evan. “I found this instead. It’s probably the closest Connor ever got to leaving a note.” 

____

“Zoe I...I can’t take this. I shouldn’t get to see it.” 

____

“You fucked up, but so did we. Besides, I think you could benefit from reading some of the things he wrote.”

____

“Okay.” He took the book from her. 

____

“I think you two were more alike than you thought.”

____

“Depressed teenagers?” Evan joked. She smiled, glad he was able to joke after everything that went down. 

____

“Well, yeah, but mostly lonely. He would have understood if talked to him about your arm.” 

____

“I did, he called it sad.” 

____

“Did you tell him you jumped?” 

____

“I...What? I um, I didn’t jump, I mean,” 

____

“It’s fine, I figured it out. Connor’s note, you’re note, you wouldn’t have been able to fake it, not without knowing how he felt.” 

____

“I never wanted him to see it.” 

____

“I know. He didn’t know when to stop sometimes.” 

____

“Yeah.” 

____

Zoe looked up. The sky was blue and they were sitting in a field. She still imagined Evan and Connor doing this. Sitting and enjoying each other’s company. “I should get going,” she said getting up. “I didn’t tell my parents I was heading out. They’re probably freaking out.” 

____

“Yeah, yeah totally. Um, when should I give this back?” 

____

“Whenever you feel like you’ve finished. Call me and we’ll work something out.” 

____

“Yeah, of course. I guess I’ll see you later?” 

____

“Yeah, later.” 

____

Later that night Zoe pulled out the box of letters and stared at them. “All my hope is pinned on Zoe.” She dropped the box in the trash and shut the lid.

____

**Author's Note:**

> let zoe (and evan) say more at the end 2k19 
> 
> ive got a [discord](https://discord.gg/Pwah8sR) if you wanna listen to me cry about tony stark at 4 am


End file.
